MAY

I have been through one of the roughest periods of my life in the last 5 months-ish. The mental and emotional uncertainty that I have been through took a humongous toll on who I was and who I believed myself to be, and for a little while, I lost myself. I put on a mask of who I used to be, hoping that maybe it would help me to be that person again. I found myself lying to the people whom I love most in this world about how I was doing, and I hated that. I couldn’t get around this barrier that was in front of me. It was like this ginormous wall in my path that was blocking me from getting to the happiness and peace that I so desperately wanted. I couldn’t find the strength within myself to accept the healing and forgiveness that God was trying to give me. I felt weak, but I didn’t want anyone to know that. I kept it inside, bottling it up and ignoring it. Hoping that it would just go away. Hoping that others wouldn’t notice. Disappear like it never happened. But of course, it doesn’t work like that. One day while I was at ministry group, I felt so defeated and small to the point where I couldn’t even fake my happiness. I asked a couple of my ministry leaders to pray for me. Pray that God would heal me, and make me whole again. He would take my broken pieces and make them into something beautiful. There in that moment, while we were all praying together, God gave me a picture: a heart torn in half being sown back together. Shortly after, He spoke the word “FULL” to me. I was so overwhelmed by the enormous love and mercy that God had shown me that I was brought to tears. He showed me that He was going to take my brokenness and make me whole again. Fill me with the happiness and peace that I wanted and needed. That day, He healed me. He helped me to find it in my heart to forgive and to see the light at the end of the tunnel. That day, I also realized something very important. I am not the same person I was 5 months ago, or even last week or yesterday. Change happens so that we can grow. We aren’t meant to be the same person the day we are born and the day we die. Change is good. Embrace it.

I still have bad days where I feel that same uncertainty and defeat. Days where my mind is clouded and I can’t think straight. Days where I’m somewhere God doesn’t want me to be. But God has shown me that it’s okay to feel like that. When I have those feelings, I just have to remind myself that I am healed. I am forgiven. I am loved. God has given me and all of you the ability to be confident in Him, and know that we are never alone. We are constantly surrounded by Him and His unfailing love. Even if there are times where we’re uncertain, we can be certain in Jesus. He has worked everything out already. He goes before us always and sets our paths straight. As long as we remember that He works everything out for the good of those who love Him, we have nothing, absolutely nothing to fear. I know that I have to remind myself of this a lot. It’s easy, too easy to go down a rabbit hole of fear and uncertainty when we hit a bump in the road. I know that from personal experience. But, I also know that Jesus already went down that rabbit hole before you did and He got the rope to pull you out and back to Him. Where there is Jesus, there is hope. There is faith. There is forgiveness. There is unconditional love.

At this point, I’m just rambling so I’ll wrap it up, but I will leave you with this: look to Jesus in all parts of your life; in uncertainty, in happiness, in fear, in faith. He will give you the tools to choose what and who you want to be. And from here on out, I am speaking into existence that I am done being afraid of the future. I will be happy. I will be faithful. When you love Jesus there is no room for anything else.

Choose happiness. Choose Jesus. I know I do.

JULY

All of the above is 100% true. Choosing Jesus means choosing to be happy. My happiness comes from Jesus and always will. Even when He throws me curveballs and changes my plans, I know that it is all for my good. Just last week, I was faced by something that really threw me for a loop when I had to change my major. If I’m being honest, I have zero idea what I’m going to do now, but I know that Jesus has got it all under control and my future is already secured. So, in conclusion, Jesus = love and happiness and security. End of story.

SOTP: Holy Ground by Passion & Melodie Malone

Chains fall, Fear bow, Here now

Lives healed, Hope found, Here now

Jesus, you change everything